Saturday, March 3, 2012

Thank you (& an explanation).

Today’s important homily must begin with a specially gracious thank-you to all my Faithful Facebook Friends around the world, who so thoughtfully sent the best wishes for My Birthday this week. Doubtless you have all been heartbroken by my failure to reply earlier, but I know you will be comforted by the knowledge that I have been simply too busy with crucial matters of Ministry.

This is because, as even the most Sinful of you will already be aware, as a virile man of 23 birthdays I am utterly irrestistable to Christian women seeking a husband through whom they can live a subordinate life of vicarious Ministry. Combined with the ancient Biblical practice (at least I think it’s in the Bible: like any Conservative I must be careful to not actually read the thing too often or too closely lest the it interferes with My Theology) of February 29 being an occasion when those not divinely gifted with a penis are permitted to propose marriage, and you will of course thus all understand my need to keep a low profile on the otherwise blessed occasion of My Natal Feast.

Biblical Christians everywhere will be relieved to learn, however, I survived the day with my status as a Bachelor for the Bible intact as Layman Schofield. (Now there’s a name you don’t hear around the blogs anymore. Isn’t schismatic fame is a fleeting and fickle thing?). Of course you and I know that’s a result of my faithful prayers being obediently answered on account of My Righteousness, but Consuella – who in the days leading up to the 29th was overheard muttering something foreign which sounded like ”Si alguien se casa con el viejo loco que va a ser yo” - foolishly insists it has something to do to with the security cordon she arranged to be provided by her relations and business associates. As also does Bishop Quinine, who I’m told was shouting something not dissimilar as he patrolled the Rectory grounds with his blunderbuss.

Then to make matters worse there’s been a small difficulty with my godless liberal apostate Bishop – not our schismatic “Anglican” Bishop of course, but the one representing the Whore of Babylon to which I swore obedience and loyalty at the time of My Ordination. It’s the kind of petty dilemma my complementarian admirers will relate to perfectly, and is typical of the kind of challenges all-knowing young men like myself face when dealing with prelates who foolishly think a lifetime of ministry and theological study has somehow equipped them with the experience to see things more wisely than us.

It all started when I was overheard referring to His Grace as “as an idiot from Satan” in what I must stress was a strictly private conversation. After all, how was I to know he also reads the local newspaper? As my official explanation makes clear, the alleged insult only referred to his functional status. Ontologically he’s undoubtedly perfectly intelligent (at least as far as Bishops go), and I truly cannot for the life of me see why he’s become so angry. Indeed, that he cannot conceive of a functional idiocy that does not also imply an ontological idiocy is a sad testament to the paucity of His Grace’s theological education.

Mind you, this kind of ignorance is exactly what I predicted would happen. The writing was on the wall for all to see the day seminaries became seduced by revisionist fads like the Nicene Creed, and abandoned the timeless wisdom of St. Arius.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

32 comments :

David Ould said...

My best friend Haydn Sennitt and I would like to wish you a very Happy Birthday. Haydn notes you are the same age as himself. As heterosexualists married to submissive Oriental women, may we visit you in order for you to give us both a passionate kiss?

Anonymous said...

Fr. Troll, you said,

"Indeed, that he cannot conceive of a functional idiocy that does not also imply an ontological idiocy is a sad testament to the paucity of His Grace’s theological education."

I thought that was such a pregnant thought, much clearer than Stand Firms' discussion.

Fr. Maxwell Smart+

Anonymous said...

Celebrate your diversity as part of the praxis of the kaine ktisis of the pleroma of the parousia.
++Sebasian Hampstead Heath

Brother David said...

Celebrate your diversity

That's a Brad catch phrase.

David Ould said...

The Sydney Baptist Diocese - of which I am in charge - has decided to introduce PORN into the Sex Education curriculum. This to prove that women don't have the same brains as an upright, erect fundamentalist.

http://www.standfirminfaith.com/?/sf/page/28465

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Brother David:
"Celebrate your diversity" is indeed my son Brad's favorite mantra, and I always take great delight in the irony of his plaintive bleat. With our "anonymnous" deacon from Sydney Australia and his narcissistic delusions of grandeur at one extreme, and Rhode Island Brad's monotonous obsessions (gay clergy & vestments, anyone?) at the other, along with everyone else's quirks and foibles coming from around the globe to rest somewhere in the middle, it's hard to imagine a community being more diverse than this place.

Not, of course, that Brad is capable of seeing this. Dobby possibly can (although since he's never appeared particularly good at picking up on anything he doesn't see as directly pertaining to himself, I'll concede that's debatable), but I suspect in his corner of the Anglican pasture (aka "the swamp where the poison berries grow") diversity isn't exactly something to be exactly desired LOL!

Anonymous said...

The Schismatics are entering obscurity ahead of you.
Delaware and RI sell their cathedrals this year.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

David Ould: (the funny one above, not the foolish & vain Curate from Neutral Bay who lurks here when not manically Googling his own name)

That our boy should find "The central wrong lesson (one easily believed by guys, because it flatters them) is that women have men’s brains encased in women’s bodies" (www.standfirminfaith.com/?/sf/page/2846) such a salient point really says a lot about our boy and what goes through his mind when he's thinking about porn/furtively engaging in a little one-handed surfing, doesn't it?! Not to mention giving a good indication of what really lays behind Mordor's misogyny.

Wonder how Dobby applies this "Breathtakingly clear and to the point" piece of pop-psychology rubbish to the kind of porn his brother Prostate Pete doesn't want found on his hard drive?

Prostate Pete said...

My narcissistic twin's brilliant article contains a comment pointing to a prayer, used by me every time I surf Rentboy.com. Much research is needed to investigate a young man's pert bottom. My subservient wife never reads my blog since she has a smaller brain.

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/scottysmith/2012/03/04/a-prayer-for-grace-to-love-and-serve-those-in-the-grip-of-pornography/

Prostate Pete said...

May I add a further comment?
I am researching into the biblical basis for fundamentalist twins having sex with each other. If you believe Dobby and I should engage in sibling gay relations please comment on my disgusting blog:

http://www.peter-ould.net/2012/03/04/incest-in-the-bible/

L F Antyne said...

Useful link in Dobby's Stand Firm porno piece, to Scotty Smith's Prayer for Grace to Love and Serve Those in the Grip of Pornography. "Jesus, for friends living somewhere along the pornography continuum of titillation to addiction, we ask you to reveal yourself in the deepest place of their souls." Cranmer himself could hardly have put it better.

L F Antyne said...

Also someone on Dobby's Stand Firm porno thread talking sense, yet.

"Let’s not go overboard here. 100% of men and women convicted of spousal abuse started with Gerber’s baby food. Porn is ubiquitous. 95 % of people involved in auto accidents are wearing socks. Do socks cause auto accidents? No."

Using women as a substitute for porn is worse than porn."

Anonymous said...

You still won't tell me what the attraction is for gays to enter the clergy. Why?
No wonder most congregations are disproportionately female; why would most men want to enter what is, in effect, a gay bar and on which doesn't even serve more than a sip of alcohol to boot?
Face it: any job that's disproportionately gay is intrinsically ridiculous. How many wedding planners, florists and choir directors are people you'd want your kids to grow up to be?

David Ould said...

I would LOVE to be a flower-arranger, Brad.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

4/10 - a disappointing effort Brad.
I've given you an extra point for the impotent vitriol, and insulting other professions than the clergy represents an exciting innovative for you, but you've lost marks with the judges for not including a reference to vestments.

Anonymous said...

Will gay couples go for straight wedding planners, Brad?

Anonymous said...

Only if their vestments are fabulous enough.

David Ould said...

The rude Bishop of Gippsland has snubbed me and has refused my demands to sack a homo in his diocese. When I interrogate a mere Bishop I DEMAND he obeys me!

http://davidould.net/?p=3534

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Just don't whatever you do Dobby, don't invade Poland. You know how badly that turned out last time someone like you tried it.

David Ould said...

Like my layman friend, Matt Kennedy, I have decided to introduce condom machines into my Baptist Chapel in Neutral Bay. This is to prevent the spread of fundamentalist nutters from corrupting young Calvinists.

http://www.standfirminfaith.com/?/sf/page/28498

Anonymous said...

Dobby, you've got to know how to use them! I think you missed one of your sex ed lessons.

Turnip Ghost said...

You need the Anglican covenant or Rowan Williams will lose a great deal of credibility. There are forces of reaction and marginalization that will only take comfort from the refusal to sign.
Rowan Williams is a transparently good and kind man with a brilliant mind. Why do you think he'll do something bad with the Covenant? His intentions are, and have always been, only the best.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My Dear Son/Daughter/Spectral Root Vegetable:

Thank you for your fascinating and most educative comment - you've certainly opened my eyes to a new possibility, Like any sentient being I'd never imagined ++Rowan had any credibility left to lose.

The goodness of his intentions, on the other hand, is a matter beyond question. In fact the Archbishop of Canterbury's intentions are so good that you can be sure the road to hell is paved with none finer.

Mrs Williams said...

Just because Rowan said he loved homosexuals, and then said he hated them, doesn't mean he's a wicked man. As an academic, he takes note of the greatest minds in the Anglican Communion. He is particularly influenced by the profound teachings of Mr Dobby Ould of Neutral Bay who hopes to be his successor.

A Baptist Theologian said...

I am pleased to announce that my teaching has resulted in the resignation of an Anglican priest in Gippsland. Rev Stuart Lawson has joined a Sect like the Sydney Baptists after my Christian Hate Campaign against gays in Gippsland.

http://davidould.net/?p=3581

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

The "Anglican Episcopal Church International" to which this errant Gippslander has eloped - which David Ould describes as "a reasonable solution" - does indeed sound a respectable body. Not to be confused with the Anglican Episcopal Church of North America, nor the Anglican Episcopal Church, Celtic Rite and the Anglican Episcopal Church, the conversion of Dobby's friend appears to have resulted in a massive 100% increase in Australian clergy. (The only other antipodean member in Holy Orders being the "Bishop" (of course) who according to the web site is eminently qualified, having as a young man completed 2 years without graduating at a Roman Catholic seminary, subsequent to which he was employed by the Salvation Army for 20 years.

The real gem in Our Neutral Bay Nose-picker's post (the link again is http://davidould.net/?p=3581 - you'll have to cut & paste it as Dobby doesn't like people linking to him from Biblically-based blogs) are the balanced and intelligent comments - well worth a visit indeed.

My favorites are "Archbishop Jensen is secretary to the FCA Primates’ Council, and I doubt he would promote a breakaway church" (please someone find me that man's email - there's a bridge in Brooklyn I need to sell him immediately), and that left by "Lucy McWhirter Browne" (you couldn't make up a name like that) "Last month when we were made aware of Rev Head’s appointment (we saw it on a gay online magazine.)" Obviously Mrs. McWhiter-Browne and her husband only regularly peruse this internet publication for research purposes. And absolutely no other reason whatsoever.

("Look here Lucy dear, you'll never believe what these men in little leather caps are doing this month to those firm young body-builders!"
"Truly disgraceful, Harold! Their buttocks need a thorough spanking, if you ask me."
"My thoughts exactly, Lucy. And would you mind enlarging that picture on the right of the preppie lad in a sailor suit? I need to see what he's holding a little more clearly...")

A Baptist Nosepicker said...

As an Anglo-Austrian Baptist, I have decided to vote for Santorum in the forthcoming US Presidential elections. Would you order your parishioners to follow my advice, Mr Troll, and preserve the USA's fundamentalist values? As a Constitutional expert, I believe it is self-evident that not all men are created equal. (Gays, especially).

http://davidould.blogspot.com/2012/03/who-has-my-vote.html

An Elf said...

Following my request that clergy in Gippsland should resign, Mr Rowan Williams has also decided to obey my demands that he step down immediately.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2115851/Rowan-Williams-announces-step-black-Archbishop-Canterbury.html?ITO=1490

Brother David said...

Padre, is your name on the shortlist for elevation to Canterbury?

Anglican Church League said...

There is only one possible candidate, Brother David. ME!

http://davidould.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/unmitigated-disaster.htm

A Baptist Nosepicker said...

Do you have any openings for great actors in your parish, Minister Troll? I have recently made a movie about Our Married Lord - starring ME!

http://davidould.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/how-i-portray-jesus.html

A Baptist Nosepicker said...

I have made a movie of Our Married Lord - starring ME! Would you please show this masterpiece to your wicked parishioners, Mr Troll.

http://davidould.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/how-i-portray-jesus.html